Saturday, January 13, 2007
ON CONFLICT
This post may be a lot about "me." So, if that isn't of interest to you, you may wish to just go on to your next reading material of choice ... or go outside for a walk ... or go to the restroom ... it's up to you. I don't want to start a fight with you ...
Speaking of which ... I have written before about how I really don't like conflict. Whenever I take personality tests, one of the things that always comes up real high is that I dislike and avoid conflict. Todd R has helped me to understand at least to some degree why I am that way. A lot of it stems from my childhood. That's really not the point of this post though.
Somehow, I have always seen my dislike of conflict as a character fault. I have always thought that I'd be a better person, a better dad, a better leader, a better business person, even a better Christian if I only didn't dislike conflict so much. (Notice I didn't say "better husband" ... I'd have to think that one through a lot. Not that I couldn't be a better husband. I have lots of room for growth in that area. But rather that I am not sure that an increased taste for conflict would be the appropriate tool for being a better husband.)
This has created conflict within myself ... wondering how I can change my psyche to be able to embrace conflict. Maybe I needed counseling. Maybe I needed to just dive in feet first and take 40 items through the express lane at the grocery story and pick a fight with the person behind me. Maybe I need to cut more people off on the highway. I don't know.
Not to say that I don't maybe need counseling but I have been thinking a great deal about personal relationships and conflict recently and I have come to a different perspective. Maybe I need to work to my strengths rather than try to improve my weaknesses.
We all know people who seem to relish conflict. I simply don't think that any amount of counseling could ever make me be that way and, if it did, I would sort of worry about the whole situation anyway. Folks who enjoy conflict seem to pursue it at every chance. I just don't think I want to be that way. In fact, I think that, in many cases, folks who relish conflict deal with some issues of self esteem and self worth. I almost sense that they strive to make themselves feel better about themselves -- increase their own self worth -- by picking fights that diminish the self worth of others.
I am by no means a New Testament scholar but I really do not know of anyplace in Jesus' teachings where he teaches that conflict is something we should pursue and embrace. Certainly there is plenty in the NT about personal spiritual conflict but I just don't know of anything that paints a good picture of conflict between individuals. Instead, we see Jesus commanding us to love one another, that love is patient and kind, and that, if we do feel someone has wronged us, we should just go talk to them. I like all of those things.
It occurs to me that there is a big difference between running from conflict and avoiding conflict. Running from it may often not be the best thing to do. But avoiding conflict in a pro-active and relationship-building manner is always a good thing, I think.
I am an analyzer ... I am always looking at things and trying to analyze what could go wrong and avoid those potential pitfalls. I do not tend to look backward a lot. I figure the past is just that -- past. But I do look ahead a lot. My goal is to, by analyzing the future, step ahead and do things which avoid conflict. If I can talk to someone about something now before there's a conflict, that is much better than having to deal with things after the stuff has hit the proverbial fan. (Whoever thought of that saying anyway?)
Maybe if I can play to avoidance of conflict as a strength ... look to build and strengthen relationships ... make sure they are always on a firm and well-balanced foundation ... then I don't need to worry about my fear of conflict. That just seems to me to be a better way to live anyway.
Speaking of which ... I have written before about how I really don't like conflict. Whenever I take personality tests, one of the things that always comes up real high is that I dislike and avoid conflict. Todd R has helped me to understand at least to some degree why I am that way. A lot of it stems from my childhood. That's really not the point of this post though.
Somehow, I have always seen my dislike of conflict as a character fault. I have always thought that I'd be a better person, a better dad, a better leader, a better business person, even a better Christian if I only didn't dislike conflict so much. (Notice I didn't say "better husband" ... I'd have to think that one through a lot. Not that I couldn't be a better husband. I have lots of room for growth in that area. But rather that I am not sure that an increased taste for conflict would be the appropriate tool for being a better husband.)
This has created conflict within myself ... wondering how I can change my psyche to be able to embrace conflict. Maybe I needed counseling. Maybe I needed to just dive in feet first and take 40 items through the express lane at the grocery story and pick a fight with the person behind me. Maybe I need to cut more people off on the highway. I don't know.
Not to say that I don't maybe need counseling but I have been thinking a great deal about personal relationships and conflict recently and I have come to a different perspective. Maybe I need to work to my strengths rather than try to improve my weaknesses.
We all know people who seem to relish conflict. I simply don't think that any amount of counseling could ever make me be that way and, if it did, I would sort of worry about the whole situation anyway. Folks who enjoy conflict seem to pursue it at every chance. I just don't think I want to be that way. In fact, I think that, in many cases, folks who relish conflict deal with some issues of self esteem and self worth. I almost sense that they strive to make themselves feel better about themselves -- increase their own self worth -- by picking fights that diminish the self worth of others.
I am by no means a New Testament scholar but I really do not know of anyplace in Jesus' teachings where he teaches that conflict is something we should pursue and embrace. Certainly there is plenty in the NT about personal spiritual conflict but I just don't know of anything that paints a good picture of conflict between individuals. Instead, we see Jesus commanding us to love one another, that love is patient and kind, and that, if we do feel someone has wronged us, we should just go talk to them. I like all of those things.
It occurs to me that there is a big difference between running from conflict and avoiding conflict. Running from it may often not be the best thing to do. But avoiding conflict in a pro-active and relationship-building manner is always a good thing, I think.
I am an analyzer ... I am always looking at things and trying to analyze what could go wrong and avoid those potential pitfalls. I do not tend to look backward a lot. I figure the past is just that -- past. But I do look ahead a lot. My goal is to, by analyzing the future, step ahead and do things which avoid conflict. If I can talk to someone about something now before there's a conflict, that is much better than having to deal with things after the stuff has hit the proverbial fan. (Whoever thought of that saying anyway?)
Maybe if I can play to avoidance of conflict as a strength ... look to build and strengthen relationships ... make sure they are always on a firm and well-balanced foundation ... then I don't need to worry about my fear of conflict. That just seems to me to be a better way to live anyway.
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4 Comments:
I think that sounds like a wonderful plan! And you're right...as long as you're not running from conflict, avoiding it in a positive way is perfectly acceptable. One of the things I heard that has really helped to keep me from picking unncessary fights is to ask "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I choose happy much, much more than I used to.
Thanks Jule. I really like the "do you want to be right or do you wnat to be happy?" question ... imagine if we all could practice that all the time!
Todd, Hopefully I can break the mold for you a bit. I avoid conflict. I usually try to be the peacemaker when conflict comes up, and on top of that, I side-step many fights that don't seem worth fighting. The thing is though, a lot of times I actually enjoy conflict. I remember my many years as a baseball umpire and even a couple of years as a business manager that supervised many other teenage baseball umpires. There was always plenty of conflict (I'm sure you can imagine), but I liked taking control of the situation and bringing it to a solution. For some reason, I'm able to keep a clear head in conflict, and I like that about me.
Now, there are many exceptions (ex: I dislike conflict with my family much more than other conflicts), but all this to say you can still avoid conflict without fearing it. So, I don't think your statement "Folks who enjoy conflict seem to pursue it at every chance" is necessarily always true.
On the other hand, I do think you might be on to something with the self-esteem thing. I usually get a bit of a "power rush" in situations that involve conflict (like when umpiring) and that no doubt boosts my ego a bit.
Hopefully that cleared (and then muddied again) the waters for you a little bit.
Wow Mike. I was afraid for a second there that you were trying to pick a fight with me. Heehee.
This all has been pretty fascinating. I threw together my original post in about 5 minutes and should have spent some additional time on parts of it.
The comments and insight I have received have been very helpful and thought-provoking. Thanks!
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