Speaking of pranks (a couple of days ago), following is a letter which my girlfriend and I mailed to our senior pastor a couple of years ago. This was after he had preached how we, as Christians, should be bold and spicy like Mustard rather than bland and boring like ketchup. He quickly figured out who the letter was really from. All in good fun though!



AMERICAN KETCHUP ANTI-DEFAMATION LEAGUE
900 19th Street NW
Washington, DC 20006


April 25, 2005



Rev. Dr. Christopher T. Heckaman
Sidney First United Methodist Church
230 E. Poplar Street
Sidney, OH 45365


Dear Dr. Heckaman,

It has come to our attention that one of your recent sermons made disparaging and slanderous remarks about ketchup. We are writing to you on behalf of our members out of a hope that we can avoid legal measures and receive your agreement that you will not continue with these sorts of comments.

To help you understand the seriousness of our concern, we would like to share with you a few bold facts about ketchup:

• 97% of American homes keep ketchup in their kitchen.
• Each person eats about 3 bottles a year.
• A tablespoon of ketchup has 16 calories and no fat.
• 4 tablespoons of ketchup have the nutritional value of an entire ripe, medium tomato.
• Total annual sales of ketchup in the United States is $700 million.
• Most brands are made from tomato paste or tomato concentrate, boiled down in late summer when tomatoes are harvested, and used throughout the year to cook the final product.
• Ketchup made in summer is made directly from ripe tomatoes.
• Ketchup is great for restoring the glow to copper pots and pans. The acid in ketchup removes tarnish and brings out the shine.

Additionally, American ketchup is produced from tomatoes which are picked largely by migrant workers. Many of these families depend heavily on the tomato harvest for their income. Anything defamatory to ketchup is taking food out of their mouths. We’re certain that this could not possibly be your intent. As we know, America is a beautiful melting pot; ketchup is made in a melting pot which is kept beautiful by scrubbing it with ketchup.

Let’s take a look at mustard, though: About the only interesting thing one can find about it is that most mustard seeds (which, as you know, are very small) are grown by a few privileged Canadians. Many Canadians speak French which has an interesting connection to the leading brand of mustard. And, of course, that leads us to the country of France and, when you compare France to something as red-blooded and American as ketchup… well, you don’t want us to go there!

As I mentioned earlier, we’re hoping to avoid legal action. Yes, we know that you hang out some with a certain attorney named Rich (rumored to also be a mustard-eater) but I can assure you that we have attorneys, too, and they are real big ones with names like Mario and Luigi who are passionate about their tomatoes and their ketchup. They can show you exactly how bold ketchup can be!

Dr. Heckaman, we will be keeping our eyes and ears on you. We trust that further contact will not be necessary and that you will come around to an understanding that, like God, apple pie, and NASCAR, ketchup is good, all the time. As for mustard – well, the jury is still out on it. While we agree that we need more boldness in our lives, ketchup is the real thing when it comes to boldness.

Sincerely,

Bruce “Big Red” Beefsteak
Executive Director


KETCHUP … Bold, Undeniably American, and Better Than Mustard