Tuesday, November 14, 2006
IN SEARCH OF PARENTAL PEACE
As teenagers, we probably all heard our parents say things along the lines of “No matter how old you are, I will always worry about you,” “You’ll always be my baby,” and the always-popular “Just wait until you grow up and have kids of your own!”
Fortunately, with Evan only being eight, we have not resorted to using these lines … very often. However, as I watch other parents around me struggle with their teenage children who have made poor choices or who are going through some of the tough times of life, I really am not looking forward to being in that position someday. I can’t imagine the pain that a parent endures through all of that.
When our children are born, they are so sweet and innocent. (Aside from the occasional screaming outburst or gastronomical occurrence when we’re convinced that they must be an alien from outer space, that is.) We can view the life ahead of them through rose-colored glasses, fantasizing about how “perfect” it will be, how we will protect them from the pains of life and from the bad choices that we went through.
As they start school, our prayers for them really kick in. Prayers for physical and emotional safety and protection. Prayers for guidance in the decisions they make. Prayers for others to come alongside them in a positive way during the though times. Prayers for God’s direct intercession as they make friends and discover their life calling.
But then, somewhere in the pre-teen and teen years, reality must set in. They’re going to make some wrong choices. No matter how much we pray, no matter how much we protect them, they’re going to sometimes feel the pains of rejection, embarrassment, and confusion. They’re going to occasionally follow paths that we believe to the very core of our beings are wrong choices. As an outsider, it may be easy to tell a parent that “it’s just a phase” or “this is a learning experience for them” but, as the actual parent who has spent many years wanting the best for their child, praying and agonizing over their protection, these have to be horribly painful things to go through.
How do we, as parents, deal with that? How do we cope with this “baby” of ours, despite all of our prayers and best wishes, making what we see as bad choices? Didn’t God hear our prayers? Doesn’t he love us and our children? Isn’t he protecting our children the way we have begged him to? Did we make mistakes along the way that sent the earth off kilter and caused our kids to do insane things? What went wrong?
Part of the answer to this questioning is in realizing and embracing the fact that God does answer our prayers, just not always in the ways we expected and often not in ways that we can immediately see. How is it that we get to that point though? Certainly, faith in God’s protection and grace are imperative parts of turning our kids over to Him. The ability to later look back on difficulties and see where His hand was at work is hugely impactful. It occurs to me that if we fully and faithfully follow God’s call in our lives as parents, we will naturally carry the faith and trust that He truly is in control.
Ultimately, I think that most parents do the best we can when raising our kids. The best we can -- given the resources we have, the examples we have seen, and the paradigms we come from. We try our best to provide for them and teach them right from wrong. Are there parents who get way off track in that process? Absolutely. But I still believe that an innate sense of love that all parents have for their children along with a natural recognition of right and wrong carries us a long way.
One thing I wonder is whether we are teaching our kids the basic tenets of faith and “followship” which will carry them through life. We talk about being “in the world” but not “of it” but what do we often teach our kids? Get good grades, go to college, get a good job that you will be happy at. All things very much "of" this world. How often do we teach more than that? By these types of teachings, are we not almost guaranteeing that, in search of the shiny things "of this world," they are going to go down some wrong paths and make some poor choices?
On the other hand, are we teaching the greater things to our children?Are we teaching them to seek their “God call”? Are we teaching them that you don’t necessarily have to have a college education to do your all and give your all for Jesus? Are we teaching them that standing up for their faith is more important than anything? And most importantly, are we modeling that?
Just as an example, are we talking to them enough about possible work in various mission fields, both domestic and overseas? I read recently that, of 56,000 active missionaries outside the US right now, 20,000 are expected to retire within five years and we don’t know where the new ones are going to come from to fill the ranks. Are we encouraging our kids in ways to think about the mission field?
As the parent of an elementary student, I am realizing what an important role I need to play in setting the stage so that he will seek and find God’s call on his life. It will still pain me to see him go through the inevitable trials, and pitfalls of growing up but if I do all I can to help prepare him for his life and encourage him to be in the world but not of it, then I will pass through this world knowing that Evan is in a position of yielding to the One who is in control. And from that I will gain great parental peace.
Fortunately, with Evan only being eight, we have not resorted to using these lines … very often. However, as I watch other parents around me struggle with their teenage children who have made poor choices or who are going through some of the tough times of life, I really am not looking forward to being in that position someday. I can’t imagine the pain that a parent endures through all of that.
When our children are born, they are so sweet and innocent. (Aside from the occasional screaming outburst or gastronomical occurrence when we’re convinced that they must be an alien from outer space, that is.) We can view the life ahead of them through rose-colored glasses, fantasizing about how “perfect” it will be, how we will protect them from the pains of life and from the bad choices that we went through.
As they start school, our prayers for them really kick in. Prayers for physical and emotional safety and protection. Prayers for guidance in the decisions they make. Prayers for others to come alongside them in a positive way during the though times. Prayers for God’s direct intercession as they make friends and discover their life calling.
But then, somewhere in the pre-teen and teen years, reality must set in. They’re going to make some wrong choices. No matter how much we pray, no matter how much we protect them, they’re going to sometimes feel the pains of rejection, embarrassment, and confusion. They’re going to occasionally follow paths that we believe to the very core of our beings are wrong choices. As an outsider, it may be easy to tell a parent that “it’s just a phase” or “this is a learning experience for them” but, as the actual parent who has spent many years wanting the best for their child, praying and agonizing over their protection, these have to be horribly painful things to go through.
How do we, as parents, deal with that? How do we cope with this “baby” of ours, despite all of our prayers and best wishes, making what we see as bad choices? Didn’t God hear our prayers? Doesn’t he love us and our children? Isn’t he protecting our children the way we have begged him to? Did we make mistakes along the way that sent the earth off kilter and caused our kids to do insane things? What went wrong?
Part of the answer to this questioning is in realizing and embracing the fact that God does answer our prayers, just not always in the ways we expected and often not in ways that we can immediately see. How is it that we get to that point though? Certainly, faith in God’s protection and grace are imperative parts of turning our kids over to Him. The ability to later look back on difficulties and see where His hand was at work is hugely impactful. It occurs to me that if we fully and faithfully follow God’s call in our lives as parents, we will naturally carry the faith and trust that He truly is in control.
Ultimately, I think that most parents do the best we can when raising our kids. The best we can -- given the resources we have, the examples we have seen, and the paradigms we come from. We try our best to provide for them and teach them right from wrong. Are there parents who get way off track in that process? Absolutely. But I still believe that an innate sense of love that all parents have for their children along with a natural recognition of right and wrong carries us a long way.
One thing I wonder is whether we are teaching our kids the basic tenets of faith and “followship” which will carry them through life. We talk about being “in the world” but not “of it” but what do we often teach our kids? Get good grades, go to college, get a good job that you will be happy at. All things very much "of" this world. How often do we teach more than that? By these types of teachings, are we not almost guaranteeing that, in search of the shiny things "of this world," they are going to go down some wrong paths and make some poor choices?
On the other hand, are we teaching the greater things to our children?Are we teaching them to seek their “God call”? Are we teaching them that you don’t necessarily have to have a college education to do your all and give your all for Jesus? Are we teaching them that standing up for their faith is more important than anything? And most importantly, are we modeling that?
Just as an example, are we talking to them enough about possible work in various mission fields, both domestic and overseas? I read recently that, of 56,000 active missionaries outside the US right now, 20,000 are expected to retire within five years and we don’t know where the new ones are going to come from to fill the ranks. Are we encouraging our kids in ways to think about the mission field?
As the parent of an elementary student, I am realizing what an important role I need to play in setting the stage so that he will seek and find God’s call on his life. It will still pain me to see him go through the inevitable trials, and pitfalls of growing up but if I do all I can to help prepare him for his life and encourage him to be in the world but not of it, then I will pass through this world knowing that Evan is in a position of yielding to the One who is in control. And from that I will gain great parental peace.
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