Wednesday, June 06, 2007
ARE YOU A HUGGER?
I have spent most of my life without hugging. I did not grow up in a family that hugged. We just didn't do it. Neither side of the family. Except for Uncle Sanford.
Uncle Sanford was a pretty distant relative and he only came around once every few years. He was a preacher and he lived someplace in upstate New York. Uncle Sanford was a hugger. Oh, and a kisser. The whole family talked about him. The kids were grossed out. The men were rather miffed whenever he came around. The women folk? Well, even from the perspective of a six-year-old boy ... they seemed strangely ... atwitter about Unce Sanford ... by his hugging and his kissing. Especially the kissing I suppose.
Yes, there were all the women in their pastel-colored polyester knit dresses .. and were they ever atwitter about this preacher from New York with the wavy gray hair. They all teased their hair to go extra high when Uncle Sanford was coming around. Seriously, for several weeks leading up to the annual family reunion, the big talk was whether Uncle Sanford would be coming out this year. We kids called him the "Kissing Bandit" but he really wasn't much of a bandit because he did all of his kissing right there in broad daylight.
And, whenever one of the men in the family might voice displeasure to his wife over all of this kissing and hugging (which they, having grown up in the fourties and fifties, were generally pretty uncomfortable with), what response did they get from their wives? "Honey, be serious! Uncle Sanford's a preacher for goodness' sake! He's just showing his Christian love for his relatives!"
You're probably wondering how the story ended with Uncle Sanford, aren't you? You're wondering if he ended up in a penitentiary someplace, aren't you? Well, fact is, I don't know what happened to him. He just sort of quit coming to family reunions altogether. Maybe he got news that he was going to be lynched if he didn't quit all the hugging and kissing. Despite the men questioning whether it was "proper," fact is, he made them look bad. Those women were getting more action on that hot summer day under the maple tree at the family reunion than they'd seen in years!
Okay, maybe I have carried this a bit too far. My point was, I didn't grow up a hugger.
Now, when I reached high school and hugging involved girls who weren't 25 or more years older than me, well, then it did start to mean something. And it still means so much with that girlfriend who has been mine all these years.
But, hugging people other than Lisa? It's still uncomfortable. But, problem is, it's becoming popular. It's like I'm surrounded by Uncle Sanfords.
Actually, I don't have a problem at all with hugging people. Relatives, friends, spouses (oops -- make that spouse), people at church ... I am okay with all of them. It's hugging etiquette that I just don't get. I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do!
Are you supposed to touch cheeks, faces, noses, actually kiss on the cheek? I just don't know! Ever have one of those hugs that turned into sort of an odd "face-plant" with your cheek squished up against theirs and not knowing at all what you're supposed to do? I have had those happen.
Honestly, can anyone help me with this? I keep wondering if I could find a tutorial on hugging on the internet. I need to look for that.
I love hugging. It's a great way of showing friendship and care ... I just don't know how the heck to do it!
I do know this though -- aside from Lisa, I'd almost rather hug a guy than a girl. At least with a guy, I know there won't be any kissing to worry about and there really shouldn't be any cheek contact. I have had that cheek contact happen a couple of times when I hugged guy friends from church. It gave me the heebie-jeebies for hours afterwards and I wondered if they had the same feeling. I really couldn't pick up the phone and call them to ask them though. ("Hey, dude, was that, like, really gross for you, too?" "Yeah, man. Let's not do that again." "Greeaatttt.")
And also when I am hugging another guy, there aren't really upper body parts I am rubbing against that make me wonder if I've just sinned. That's a good thing.
So, help a fella out -- do you have any special techniques or suggestions on friendly hugging? How can I do it and have it be sincere and meaningful but yet not ... well, uncomfortable?
Uncle Sanford was a pretty distant relative and he only came around once every few years. He was a preacher and he lived someplace in upstate New York. Uncle Sanford was a hugger. Oh, and a kisser. The whole family talked about him. The kids were grossed out. The men were rather miffed whenever he came around. The women folk? Well, even from the perspective of a six-year-old boy ... they seemed strangely ... atwitter about Unce Sanford ... by his hugging and his kissing. Especially the kissing I suppose.
Yes, there were all the women in their pastel-colored polyester knit dresses .. and were they ever atwitter about this preacher from New York with the wavy gray hair. They all teased their hair to go extra high when Uncle Sanford was coming around. Seriously, for several weeks leading up to the annual family reunion, the big talk was whether Uncle Sanford would be coming out this year. We kids called him the "Kissing Bandit" but he really wasn't much of a bandit because he did all of his kissing right there in broad daylight.
And, whenever one of the men in the family might voice displeasure to his wife over all of this kissing and hugging (which they, having grown up in the fourties and fifties, were generally pretty uncomfortable with), what response did they get from their wives? "Honey, be serious! Uncle Sanford's a preacher for goodness' sake! He's just showing his Christian love for his relatives!"
You're probably wondering how the story ended with Uncle Sanford, aren't you? You're wondering if he ended up in a penitentiary someplace, aren't you? Well, fact is, I don't know what happened to him. He just sort of quit coming to family reunions altogether. Maybe he got news that he was going to be lynched if he didn't quit all the hugging and kissing. Despite the men questioning whether it was "proper," fact is, he made them look bad. Those women were getting more action on that hot summer day under the maple tree at the family reunion than they'd seen in years!
Okay, maybe I have carried this a bit too far. My point was, I didn't grow up a hugger.
Now, when I reached high school and hugging involved girls who weren't 25 or more years older than me, well, then it did start to mean something. And it still means so much with that girlfriend who has been mine all these years.
But, hugging people other than Lisa? It's still uncomfortable. But, problem is, it's becoming popular. It's like I'm surrounded by Uncle Sanfords.
Actually, I don't have a problem at all with hugging people. Relatives, friends, spouses (oops -- make that spouse), people at church ... I am okay with all of them. It's hugging etiquette that I just don't get. I honestly don't know what I am supposed to do!
Are you supposed to touch cheeks, faces, noses, actually kiss on the cheek? I just don't know! Ever have one of those hugs that turned into sort of an odd "face-plant" with your cheek squished up against theirs and not knowing at all what you're supposed to do? I have had those happen.
Honestly, can anyone help me with this? I keep wondering if I could find a tutorial on hugging on the internet. I need to look for that.
I love hugging. It's a great way of showing friendship and care ... I just don't know how the heck to do it!
I do know this though -- aside from Lisa, I'd almost rather hug a guy than a girl. At least with a guy, I know there won't be any kissing to worry about and there really shouldn't be any cheek contact. I have had that cheek contact happen a couple of times when I hugged guy friends from church. It gave me the heebie-jeebies for hours afterwards and I wondered if they had the same feeling. I really couldn't pick up the phone and call them to ask them though. ("Hey, dude, was that, like, really gross for you, too?" "Yeah, man. Let's not do that again." "Greeaatttt.")
And also when I am hugging another guy, there aren't really upper body parts I am rubbing against that make me wonder if I've just sinned. That's a good thing.
So, help a fella out -- do you have any special techniques or suggestions on friendly hugging? How can I do it and have it be sincere and meaningful but yet not ... well, uncomfortable?
Name:
7 Comments:
Hi Todd.
I passed through and worked with a Christian Rehabilitation Ministry on inner city streets. And in the ministry, hugging was commonplace when meeting a fellow believer.
I don't know if this will help you at all, but just be natural when hugging another. Do not try to add or subtract from your hug just because you're unsure if it's right. That will only cause problems and hesitation for you.
And do not worry about the one you hug, will they like...won't they like...? Be yourself, be natural. If you try to be other, then the person your huigging will feel uncomfortable.
There is nothing wrong in expressing Christian love to a fellow believer through hugging. However, unless you know that women are open to a hug-do not hug!
In the end, it comes down to how comfortable you feel, and the other person.
God Bless.
Sorry - this post cracked me up because you are always huggine people and look so natural at it. Just the hugging part without the kisses is good. Save those for me!
Okay, here's the rules:
If it is someone you know really well then lean in and hug them - and no, a hug does not necessarily mean a kiss unless it's a fairly close friend or family member.
Now...if you're hugging someone from church in a social setting or a friend's wife and you don't want to get "too close" then do what I do - the SIDE hug. Walk up to them, standing at their side, and put one arm behind their shoulder or waist and lightly pull them towards you. Only parts that connect are the waist and hips so all possibility of "sinning" is resolved! Also, it keeps the awkward "do I kiss them or don't I" from happening. If you are much taller than they are be sure to lean down a little and maybe whisper a 'hello' in their ear as you do the side squeeze.
There you go...now you know!
Todd,
Next time in church I will give you a choice:
A. A hug
B. A smack on the butt and say "Good Job!" like the coaches used to do in football.
I think there are less herassment suits with choice B than choice A in the world. Funny, isn't it?
When I cleaned up almost 18 years ago, the fellowship that really attracted me hugged all the time. At first I felt very uncomfortable doing it but after ahwile it was actually nice to get a hug from my friends. I was deprived of hugs growing up except when we went to my Grandma's house in Columbus. She was a big hugger. Anyway hugs are nice. I can actually hug another man in public and only feel a little funny. I hug them like my wife but not as long. No kisses. Mostly just a show of how much they mean to me. Well I've rambled enough. Hugs are good. I'll bet that the 12 deciples hugged all the time, especially Jesus.
You can always do the "handshake hug" - when someone's coming in for the hug, you stick your hand forward (between the two of you) for a handshake. When they close for the hug, your hands will be between you, protecting you from the brunt of the "pressing together" of a hug. You close out the hug with three pats on the back, and you back off.
Wow. This is the most comments I have ever received to a post, not to mention the couple of people I have ran into who came running at me with open arms.
John -- I appreciate your advice about being natural and not hugging women unless you know they're open to it. It would be nice if they wore little "hug" or "do not hug" signs on their shirts.
Lisa -- all my kisses are for you. But apparently I will be slapping David on the butt. I hope that's okay.
heyjules -- I've done that side hug a few times. It is a good approach.
David -- your hands are pretty good sized. If you start slapping me on the butt too much I may change churches and not leave a forwarding address. (just kidding)
draw the line -- good point on Jesus and the disciples. I had to hink about that a bit but I am sure you're correct! Heck, they leaned on each other and fed each other, too!
the thief -- what great instruction! You've thought about this before, haven't you?
Thank you for helping a man in need. Hugs and kisses. Love you all!
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