This past Wednesday was one of my favorite days of the year. National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Normally, it's a good day for having a bit of fun around the office. But this year I was out of the office to attend an industry meeting on the subject of "Developing A Test Protocol To Determine The Air Permeability of Metal Roofing." I know,I know ... you're very envious of me because I get to go to riveting meetings like this. Sorry about your luck.

Oh, how I wanted to test my Pirate Speak in the meeting this week. But, when I told people of the importance of this auspicious day, they looked at me like I'd lost a third eye in a sword fight, they did. Arrrrrr.

But here's how the meeting could have gone ...

Me: "Avast ye scurvy scalawags. We have work to be done. Lay your swords down. We're all in this together, mateys."

John: "Um, yeah. So, how do you all think we can best develop this new test protocol?"

Me: "Arrr, I have a few ideas to run up the flagpole, if you all will so allow."

Scott: "Sure, Todd, go ahead."

Me: "Arrrr ... well blow me down just like a metal roof won't. If we be busy about checkin' the permeability of a product with da main sail beneath it, and then we compare without da main sail, there will be a big blow right through, there will."

Joe: "Okay, then. Well, does anyone else have any ideas?"

Me: "Arrrr. Now just a darn minute. You haven't heard me out on this yet. Ye be havin' to walk da plank if'n you're gonna behave like this. I didn't get this peg leg for being stupid, you know."

(Ken cautiously glances under the table.)

John: "Now, just a second. We didn't say you were stupid, Todd. We're just looking for ideas."

Me: "Arrrr. That's Cap'n Todd to you, squire! I'm telling you, if we lay down the mainsail and point her into the sunset, these arsephalt shingle guys will be rollin' over and turnin' da business over to us. Their products are as air permeable as Davey Jones locker, I tell ye!"

Ken: "Todd, I don't have any idea what you're trying to tell us. Does anyone know what he's saying?"

Me: "Arrr. Ken. What's wrong wid ya? Ya been forgettin' to eat yer limes every day?
I'm telling you mates ... the arsephalt shingle guys be throwin' the white flag soon if we can just work together and do as I say!"

...


(On second thought, maybe it was best that I didn't talk like a pirate during my meeting.)