Part of the screensaver on my computer at work says "Fear God, not man." I put it on there as a reminder to myself. Unfortunately, despite that screensaver, I still really struggle with fears and conflict avoidance.

I realized today that I have developed a fear of talking on the phone. For many years, I talked on the phone a lot at work. I think there were points where I figured that I was on the phone about 75% of my time at work. Then, we had other team members join us and take a large amount of that load and, particularly as the business grew, I took on other responsibilities. my phone time lessened.

Over the past year or so, I have developed an intense dislike of both placing and receiving phone calls. It does at times paralyze me and limit my effectiveness at work. I am spending time now trying to figure out what is at the root of this.

I have discussed before that I have a fear of conflict. However, relatively few of the phone calls I might make or take during the course of my typical day are even remotely related to conflict. There is the occasional call which may involve conflict and, of course, I avoid those calls at all costs.

I think, though, that I have developed a fear of people asking me to do things and then, for one reason or another, I won't be able to do them. Whether it's lack of time or other resources or just that circumstances will not permit what they're asking, I have a fear of disappointing others.

I go back to my screensaver ... "Fear God, not man." With every ounce of my body, that makes complete sense to me and it is how I want to lead my life. But, instead, there are obviously things built into my psyche, presumably because of past experiences, which bind me in fear of others and, in particular, of disappointing others.

I am sure it is in part a pride thing -- I want others to think well of me. I'd sooner avoid them altogether than end up in a sitiation where I might disappoint them. I probably also have some unrealistic thoughts in my mind of what their reaction might be. That further adds to the paralysis when I know that I need to pick up the phone.

There is so much more for me to understand about myself. I pray that God will strengthen me and give me courage and help me to work through this.